I like to jut

Whatever happened to lipstick on the collar? I have a shit streak on my shirt!

So, last night we borrowed mimisarebel's dog, Sheba. The dog is pushing 10 and has been on barbituates for about 5 years for a seizure disorder. Consequently, she is the most chilled out dog on the planet. She used to sleep over when we lived in Squirrel Hill all the time and loved it, so we thought it was about time we introduced her to the new house.

We did the usual last night. I fell asleep kinda early and had a nightmare about the Steelers losing. In the morning, the baby came in and started pulling on my face to convince me to go make him breakfast. Then he said, "Did you poop your bed?" This troubled me. I insisted that, no, I had not pooped in my bed but the baby then asked, "Did Sheba poop your bed?" I assured him that Sheba couldn't have pooped in the bed because I would have been aware of it. "Well, what's that, then?" asked the baby. I finally sat up and was greeted by a large, round skidmark on the side of my fitted sheet. "What the fuck?" I wondered aloud. I figured that Sheba had gone out to poop during the night and sort of brushed up against the bed before things had had a chance to, um, dry. Gross, but no big deal. The boyfriend got up to take Sheba out and I heard him talking to calmdahn downstairs, who had passed out on the couch last night. Apparently, Sheba had taken a shit in the dining room in the middle of the night and the shit was so potent that it woke Frank up and urged him to pick the poop up. Man, that sucks, we all agreed but laughed it off and chalked it up to Sheba being a little unnerved by her new surroundings.

So, I ask you, how long does it take for a dog to get nerved?

Pretty long, it turns out. Frank, the baby, and I sat in the living room and played/watched a movie/checked the internet/drank coffee. After a while, I took the baby upstairs to use the bathroom. We made it to the top of the stairs and I just happened to glance over to the small front bedroom and saw about 5 or 6 humungous turds scattered on the floor. I told the boyfriend, who had snuck upstairs to take a nap, that his dog had shit in the little bedroom and that he needed to work on cleaning up. After the baby went to the bathroom, I took him into his room to get dressed. After a few minutes, I felt something cold and squishy on the bottom of my right leg. It appeared that Sheba had had a small bout of diarrhea and had left several drops of it on my son's bedroom floor. Even better, I had stepped in it several times and had gotten a chunk on my pajama leg which had transferred itself to my leg. I screamed, "Fuuuuuuuuuuck! I have fucking shit on my leg!" and told the boyfriend that he better get me the fucking carpet steamer ready because his fucking dog had dysentery. The boyfriend began bitching about how he needed a nap and that me going to bed early had caused the dog's explosive asstronics. Whatever. Much bitching ensued until we convinced Mim to come up and help us with her dog.

After that had been cleared up, I decided to take a shower for the first time in my new house (previous showers during the week had been taken at Mim's and my mom's house due to a shower curtain mishap that I'll tell you about later). The boyfriend had told me about some dirt on the bathroom walls being released by the steam but I didn't really realize what he was talking about until I saw it firsthand.

Let me digress slightly and say that the newest addition to my hate list are people who smoke inside their houses. I know that I was guilty of this before but let me assure you that it is fucking disgusting, whether you rent or own or mooch or whatever.

Near the end of my shower, I looked up and saw what must have been nicotine and smoke residue released by the steam. Large, brownish-yellow droplets had formed on the ceiling and were occassionally dropping into the shower or running down the walls. I gagged and finished up my shower. I closed the door to keep the steam in and recruited Frank to help me with the ShopVac. We attached the wet suction thing and set up a rickety step ladder. Much to my surprise, the bathroom is white and not candlelight yellow like I had thought when I bought the place.

Barf.

After that was accomplished, I went into the baby's room and picked up Gok, his stuffed dog, only to find that Sheba had left a surprise for me on the beloved Gok.

Here we go, Steelers!
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Comments

It wasn't a nightmare. It was a premonition.

You're going DOWN, suckas!
ah, well
Well, here's what I think, now that I'm saying unpopular things. First off, I have to qualigy by saying I really think the Steelers deserved to win; they did play the better game, as the Seahawks were off their game, for sure.

However, I think that there were a LOT of shitty calls against the Seahawks, some of them more than merely questionable, whereas there were only three penalties against the Steelers, who, if held to the same standards the Hawks were held to, would have had...well, more than three penalties at the very least. And I say this as, yes, a fan of the Seahawks, but a very casual one who has only lived in the Seattle area for a year.

I think the refs were a disgrace and I know i"m not alone there. Unfortunately, that's how that game will be remembered by a lot of people, namely those who don't live in Pittsburgh.

I'm glad that Pittsburgh won, though, because to be honest, it means more to you guys than it would to Seattle. It meant enough to us that we got to go at all. But I really wish the refs has made it a fair win.
would it surprise you if I said that we've all heard that analysis from every possible media outlet already? diminishing victories....
(Um, please don't hate me in the unlikely event that the Steelers lose.
If it makes you feel any better, I was seriously nervous.
HERE WE GO!
Please forgive me Kelly, but I was laughing pretty hard at your story just now. You painted such a colorful, shit-filled story that I could not contain myself. Don't stress so much over the Super Bowl - you know Pittsburgh is going to win.
definitely funny in retrospect. I kinda wanted to kick that dog for a little bit, though.
Ick, ick, ick... you've just further strengthened my dislike of dogs. Just, ewww. Bleah.

You must be peering under and behind everything now, fearing an encounter with yet another surprise present from Shitba.

Oh, and... umm... Go Seahawks! :)
wow. a seahawks fan and you hate dogs? go fall off something. preferably tall. STEELERS ARE SUPERBOWL CHAMPS!!!
hey, i have that in my bathroom too! i didn't know it was from cigarettes. *retch*
my showers have always done that.. never considered that it's due to cigarettes, though. i don't smoke in my bathroom, or anywhere near it.
the house was definitely smoked in by previous in habitants. it seems like the best explanation, though I don't know for sure.
that's my best guess. I know that walls absorb smoke when the room is not well-ventilated. that seems to be the best explanation for why it would be so heavy on the ceiling, you know?
Dude! EEW!

I squinch for you. Oh my Jesus. Bleghhh.



are you coming to visit with mike, too?
No, I really would love to, but it's money I don't have.. Once we get all cohabitated I'll be able to come out a lot more often.. and see your big ol' house!

Go Stillers!

dog

I'm really sorry about that dog, he's not being fair to you.
I know that the whole thing with Sheba was rather unpleasant for you. I just laughed so hard I had tears pouring out though.

I aim to please.
;-)
If it would help, I can show you how to fashion a doggie diaper out of a maxi-pad and old underwear. It's a good thing.
awwwwwwwww